Wednesday, 30 May 2007

Two cheesy-as-hell vampire flicks...but only one is really bad!
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: "Thirst" and "Bloodsucking Redneck Vampires"
Topic: A Few Reviews

So, it's been a while, but with a new job working for a video store, I have been putting my time to good use. Firstly by making a living (ahem!), and secondly, by checking out some new flicks!

First off, let's check out "Thirst".

Or, let's not.

Oh, my God, where do I begin?

The box cover tries to sell the edgy idea of the 80's vampire classic, "Near Dark" mixed with the drug drama, "Requiem for a Dream"...see it in the picture?

BUZZ! WRONG!

First of all, it's only comparable to "Near Dark" in that there are slightly white trash vampires. That's it.  The marginal likeness to "Requiem for a Dream" is only in that the characters have all been to Narcotics Anonymous meetings. Otherwise, zip to do with either one of these movies.

Here's the rundown: There is a guy in his NA meeting, bitching that his girlfriend is stripping and using drugs...again. He moans and complains that he's thinking about using again, but stays straight for her.

It's intercut with the girlfriend in question stripping in the oddest club I've ever seen, a hoity-toity place where there are crushed velvet curtains and tables full of couples watching her...NOT STRIP. There she is, in those "boy shorts" (you might know them as "granny panties"), a tank top,  flat heeled boots, and a SWEATER!  The only thing she takes off is her sweater. WTF? But for an intriguing twist, she's wearing a purple wig similar to the bob wig Britney Spears tried out after she shaved her head.

Anyway...

The guy rushes to the hospital where his girlfriend is, and immediately...starts bitching her out. Not, "Are you okay?" Not, "What happened?"  Just immediately lays into her. She has to shout him down and inform him that he's in the CANCER WARD, not the detox wing. Turns out those "track marks" he's accused her of having on her arms are actually from IV chemotherapy. Why didn't she tell him? She "didn't want to burden (him)". Of course, he runs out on her.

Later a strange woman pays a visit to her hospital room...and she's pronounced "dead". There is a graveside memorial for her, and the previously "devoted" boyfriend holes up in his apartment and "grieves"...looks like a bender to me. His friends from Narcotics Anonymous decide he simply must get out of the house...so they take him to a BAR. What the hell????? Of course it's a plot device so that they can go to a Goth bar where his previously "dead" girlfriend is now shaking it for living clientele as a nosferatu go-go girl.

The boyfriend flips out, gets nosy, gets caught, gets turned....blah blah blah...I ejected the disc at this point. Between the nonsensical plot and the bullshit logic of the characters, I couldn't take it anymore.

But then, a DVD arrived in the mail from Blockbuster Online... "Bloodsucking Redneck Vampires".

Sounds geniunely stupid, right? It is. But have you ever heard that phrase "crazy like a fox"? This flick is "stupid like a fox". Let me explain...

A Nosferatu chick (wearing some of the Spring '99 girls line from Hot Topic) and her redneck Renfield are caught with a newly-drained stiff and need to am-scray. They hitch a ride with a friendly, if a little chatty, redneck in his pickup. She's still feeling a little grumbly in her tummy, so she drains him, too.  She leaves the truck driver alive, so that he can go out and create an army of the undead for her to rule the world with.  However she's unaware of the fact that the town she's chosen to populate with vampyr is dumber than a bag of hair.

The running joke is that they are all unaware that they are vampires, and they end up killing themselves, albeit accidentally. One redneck vampire kills himself by sinking into a hot bath and accidentally blessing the water by saying, "God bless this good hot water". Another nosferatu kills herself in a tanning bed--you know, UV rays? Still another buys it when a 400 pound woman in leopard panties sits on his head and crushes it after a game of strip poker...well, that might kill anyone, alive or dead!

Other gags abound, too. The church the guy in the tub is in is called "St. Festus of the Tipsy," a "Gunsmoke" reference to the town drunk on that show.  There is a family called the Pissers. After the town whore buys is in the tanning bed, some of her naysayers tally up their pool as to how her dumb ass would die: the other guesses were "hit by a truck" and "venereal disease". The lucky winner, the tanning salon owner, won $40, btw.

It all comes to a head at a town event, not coincidentally held in a bar that also houses about a 1/3 of the action. I don't want to give away the ending, but I will tell you, if you are in the mood for a good laugh while checking out your horror flick, and you don't mind low (and I do mean LOW!) budget horror flicks, you owe it to yourself to check out "Bloodsucking Redneck Vampires".

Sorry I took so long to write again in this blog (DOES ANYONE ACTUALLY FUCKING READ THIS? IT'S WHAT THE EMAIL LINK IS FOR!!!!! ...lol), but more reviews are forthcoming. Ciao for now...

Posted by spankavision at 12:28 AM EDT

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