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Wednesday, 30 May 2007
So, it's been a while, but with a new job working for a video store, I have been putting my time to good use. Firstly by making a living (ahem!), and secondly, by checking out some new flicks! First off, let's check out "Thirst". Or, let's not.
The box cover tries to sell the edgy idea of the 80's vampire classic, "Near Dark" mixed with the drug drama, "Requiem for a Dream"...see it in the picture? BUZZ! WRONG! First of all, it's only comparable to "Near Dark" in that there are slightly white trash vampires. That's it. The marginal likeness to "Requiem for a Dream" is only in that the characters have all been to Narcotics Anonymous meetings. Otherwise, zip to do with either one of these movies. Here's the rundown: There is a guy in his NA meeting, bitching that his girlfriend is stripping and using drugs...again. He moans and complains that he's thinking about using again, but stays straight for her. It's intercut with the girlfriend in question stripping in the oddest club I've ever seen, a hoity-toity place where there are crushed velvet curtains and tables full of couples watching her...NOT STRIP. There she is, in those "boy shorts" (you might know them as "granny panties"), a tank top, flat heeled boots, and a SWEATER! The only thing she takes off is her sweater. WTF? But for an intriguing twist, she's wearing a purple wig similar to the bob wig Britney Spears tried out after she shaved her head. Anyway... The guy rushes to the hospital where his girlfriend is, and immediately...starts bitching her out. Not, "Are you okay?" Not, "What happened?" Just immediately lays into her. She has to shout him down and inform him that he's in the CANCER WARD, not the detox wing. Turns out those "track marks" he's accused her of having on her arms are actually from IV chemotherapy. Why didn't she tell him? She "didn't want to burden (him)". Of course, he runs out on her. Later a strange woman pays a visit to her hospital room...and she's pronounced "dead". There is a graveside memorial for her, and the previously "devoted" boyfriend holes up in his apartment and "grieves"...looks like a bender to me. His friends from Narcotics Anonymous decide he simply must get out of the house...so they take him to a BAR. What the hell????? Of course it's a plot device so that they can go to a Goth bar where his previously "dead" girlfriend is now shaking it for living clientele as a nosferatu go-go girl. The boyfriend flips out, gets nosy, gets caught, gets turned....blah blah blah...I ejected the disc at this point. Between the nonsensical plot and the bullshit logic of the characters, I couldn't take it anymore. But then, a DVD arrived in the mail from Blockbuster Online... "Bloodsucking Redneck Vampires".
A Nosferatu chick (wearing some of the Spring '99 girls line from Hot Topic) and her redneck Renfield are caught with a newly-drained stiff and need to am-scray. They hitch a ride with a friendly, if a little chatty, redneck in his pickup. She's still feeling a little grumbly in her tummy, so she drains him, too. She leaves the truck driver alive, so that he can go out and create an army of the undead for her to rule the world with. However she's unaware of the fact that the town she's chosen to populate with vampyr is dumber than a bag of hair. The running joke is that they are all unaware that they are vampires, and they end up killing themselves, albeit accidentally. One redneck vampire kills himself by sinking into a hot bath and accidentally blessing the water by saying, "God bless this good hot water". Another nosferatu kills herself in a tanning bed--you know, UV rays? Still another buys it when a 400 pound woman in leopard panties sits on his head and crushes it after a game of strip poker...well, that might kill anyone, alive or dead! Other gags abound, too. The church the guy in the tub is in is called "St. Festus of the Tipsy," a "Gunsmoke" reference to the town drunk on that show. There is a family called the Pissers. After the town whore buys is in the tanning bed, some of her naysayers tally up their pool as to how her dumb ass would die: the other guesses were "hit by a truck" and "venereal disease". The lucky winner, the tanning salon owner, won $40, btw. It all comes to a head at a town event, not coincidentally held in a bar that also houses about a 1/3 of the action. I don't want to give away the ending, but I will tell you, if you are in the mood for a good laugh while checking out your horror flick, and you don't mind low (and I do mean LOW!) budget horror flicks, you owe it to yourself to check out "Bloodsucking Redneck Vampires". Sorry I took so long to write again in this blog (DOES ANYONE ACTUALLY FUCKING READ THIS? IT'S WHAT THE EMAIL LINK IS FOR!!!!! ...lol), but more reviews are forthcoming. Ciao for now...
Posted by spankavision
at 12:28 AM EDT
Sunday, 18 March 2007
I'm always interested whenever new shows pop up with a vampire theme, and the whenever two come on, nearly at the same time, it's always cause for comment. I present, "The Dresden Files" and "Blood Ties." "The Dresden Files" is a Sci Fi original series about a wizard who solves crimes. Vampires, as it turns out, are merely incidental characters, aimed at being used as plot devices. But "Blood Ties," from the Lifetime Network... female cop teams with vampire to solve crime... and they're already making goo-goo eyes at one another... and there's another man waiting in the wings... yep, the sex is coming. Let you know what happens...
Posted by spankavision
at 12:49 AM EDT
Tuesday, 6 February 2007
I just added this to my "More One-Offs" page. I didn't think they'd ever done anything vampire-related, but I guess it fit into the Halloween theme. It's on Disc Two of the Season One set, if you're interested!
Posted by spankavision
at 4:11 PM EST
Posted by spankavision
at 4:09 PM EST
Sunday, 14 January 2007
Posted by spankavision
at 10:53 AM EST
I was flipping through the December 2006 issue of Rue Morgue when I noticed the Needful Things section. Normally, this page is full of things from the Resident Evil chainsaw attachment for your PS2 to a set of bedding featuring Frankenstein's monster. This issue's listing held a unique offering: Vampire Condoms. Observe:  What makes this even more unusual is that there is an entire website devoted to the sale of the Vampire Condom! So, if you're a big fan of the vampire myth AND into safer sex, this is definitely for you!
Posted by spankavision
at 10:47 AM EST
Saturday, 4 November 2006
Just put the word "Vampire" into Yahoo! and clicked on "News". This was one of the first listings. If you're an anime fan, you might want to check this out.
Posted by spankavision
at 1:34 PM EST
Saturday, 28 October 2006
The story is from the Deseret News; the link is here. The gyst is that a dude lost it and didn't realize it. The medical mystery is how he didn't notice it, and how it stayed there for 11 years without causing him to choke, or to otherwise experience discomfort.
Posted by spankavision
at 11:05 AM EDT
Thursday, 26 October 2006
From the Revamped website: "When successful businessman Richard Clarke is bitten by a beautiful Vampire, he is transformed into a creature of the night and plunges into the dark world of the supernatural.Richard very quickly realizes that immortality isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be and must fight for survival when a militaristic Team of Vampire Hunters, The S.T.A.K.E. Team, discover his existence. Richard is separated from Lilith, the beautiful vampire that originally “turned him”. Searching for his eternal Soulmate, Richard winds up in Club Synister where a Goth promises to lead him to her. He takes him downstairs to a private party, which turns out to be the set for a snuff film. When a female Vampire-Dominatrix viciously kills her leading man, it becomes obvious that Richard is about to become the next star of the film. When the Dominatrix realizes that Richard is also a Vampire, she and the crew soon become the unwitting talent for their own production. After viewing the carnage in Club Synisters basement, two L.A. Detectives develop the film and discover Richard’s existence along with his face on celluloid. Through a bizarre course of events, Richard is finally reunited with Lilith, but their bliss is cut short, when they are ambushed by the S.T.A.K.E. Team. Barely surviving, Richard’s presence is brought to the attention of The BLEEDERS, a savage underground gang of Vampires bent on survival at all costs. The BLEEDERS capture Richard and are attacked by the S.T.A.K.E. Team. All Hell breaks loose and it turns into a war for survival and no one is taking any prisoner’s. Let the Bloodbath begin!"
Posted by spankavision
at 6:16 PM EDT
LiveScience: Vampires a Mathematical Impossibility I don't know about you, but when I hear about "pork spending" in Congress, these types of stories are the ones I think about. A physics professor at the University of Central Florida, in a bid (he says) to promote literacy, says that if the first vampires had appeared in 1600, we'd all be starving vampires by now...or dead. More to the point, his theory is that the whole world would have been populated by vampires by 1602. Much as I love the vampire mythos, this sort of shit just pushes my buttons. What a moron! Teach physics, you dumb shit, and leave the vampires to fans...not "believers"...or the "illiterate". On the medical side, Forest Laboratories, Inc. has been working on a stroke medication which uses vampire bat saliva as an active ingredient. Problems concerning safety arose and now the project is being re-analyzed. Click "Forest Laboratories, Inc." for the story.
Posted by spankavision
at 11:58 AM EDT
Updated: Thursday, 26 October 2006 12:03 PM EDT
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lazy
Oh, my God, where do I begin?
Sounds geniunely stupid, right? It is. But have you ever heard that phrase "crazy like a fox"? This flick is "stupid like a fox". Let me explain...
spacey
bright
accident prone
a-ok
happy
caffeinated