Sunday, 3 June 2007

Backstreet's back...all right!
Mood:  accident prone
Now Playing: "Ring of Darkness" (2004)

Ever seen that movie Superstar? Molly Shannon (from SNL) plays Mary Katherine Gallagher, overgrown and accident-prone Catholic schoolgirl, who is also the rewind girl at the Video Hut, who screens movies while waiting for tapes to be sent down a chute to her to be rewound.  I have been working at a video store since December and have begun to do much the same thing, except we have DVDs and thusly, don't have to rewind them. One of my recent screenings was 2004's Ring of Darkness.

Looks all sinister and dark, doesn't it? Blood-stained iron cross? Check. The Scream-inspired black and white photo grouping? Check. Title using both the words "ring" (popular lately) and "darkness"? Check.

But then you see it: Ryan Starr, in the middle and getting top-billing next to Adrienne Barbeau. WTF? Worse, it's what the film's about, or rather, what they won't just come out and say.

See, in the opening scene, a boy is trying to escape this lavish, beach-front mansion. He hurriedly packs a bag and climbs out a window, running like a bat out of hell to freedom. However, he's cornered by four boys, who remind him that he's nothing without them. He retorts about what they've turned him into. Then they eat him. Vampires, right?

Well, they won't say. I am guessing that the film's writers figured in the 21st century, there really is no need for that tried-and-true "Could he be.....a vampire?" dialogue, and for that, I give them credit. After all, the boys all gang up on him, mouths first, and seem to go for the throat. However, there are no fangs, no garlic repulsion, no mirror problems, no issues with sunlight,  and no problems with crosses as their first victim was wearing a big-ass crucifix when he bought the farm. Hmmm...but probably vampires, nonetheless.

The original angle is in the plotline: the aforementioned boys are in a Backstreet/N'Sync/98 Degrees type boy band, complete with formation-style dancing and cheesy lip-syncing. They pass off the fifth member's departure as "rehab" and go on a nationwide talent search for his replacement.  They pick three finalists to take to their tropical island getaway, including one blandly attractive blonde man with Ryan Starr as his own personal Yoko Ono.

Two out of three of the contestants become midnight snacks for the band, and the blandly attractive one plus Ryan Starr are left to fight for their survival. Will they live?

There are some really irritating things about this movie. For instance,  clips from the band's music video bookend scenes in the movie, and if you've ever seen any of those actual boy band videos, you'll know how annoying that can be. Extreme close-ups of individual members, formation dancing, gyrating hips, ugly co-ordinating clothes...  Another thing is that Ryan Starr's character is also supposed to be a sluething tabloid reporter, which storyline is poorly written and not quite resolved.  The climactic final confrontation, in which the remaining contestant is tied to a table in his underwear as the band prepare to make him a vampire looks less like an unholy communion and more like the beginnings of a vampire-themed gay porn flick. I mean, why are they ALL in their underwear?????

While it's not completely terrible and does have its moments, mostly making fun of those boy bands, it's a little tedious and best for catching as a free promotional rental or as a late-night TV fix. A great time-killer, but not much of a thriller.

Posted by spankavision at 10:41 PM EDT

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