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Wednesday, 30 May 2007
Two cheesy-as-hell vampire flicks...but only one is really bad!
Mood:
 lazy
Now Playing: "Thirst" and "Bloodsucking Redneck Vampires"
Topic: A Few Reviews
So, it's been a while, but with a new job working for a video store, I have been putting my time to good use. Firstly by making a living (ahem!), and secondly, by checking out some new flicks! First off, let's check out "Thirst". Or, let's not.  Oh, my God, where do I begin?
The box cover tries to sell the edgy idea of the 80's vampire classic, "Near Dark" mixed with the drug drama, "Requiem for a Dream"...see it in the picture? BUZZ! WRONG! First of all, it's only comparable to "Near Dark" in that there are slightly white trash vampires. That's it. The marginal likeness to "Requiem for a Dream" is only in that the characters have all been to Narcotics Anonymous meetings. Otherwise, zip to do with either one of these movies. Here's the rundown: There is a guy in his NA meeting, bitching that his girlfriend is stripping and using drugs...again. He moans and complains that he's thinking about using again, but stays straight for her. It's intercut with the girlfriend in question stripping in the oddest club I've ever seen, a hoity-toity place where there are crushed velvet curtains and tables full of couples watching her...NOT STRIP. There she is, in those "boy shorts" (you might know them as "granny panties"), a tank top, flat heeled boots, and a SWEATER! The only thing she takes off is her sweater. WTF? But for an intriguing twist, she's wearing a purple wig similar to the bob wig Britney Spears tried out after she shaved her head. Anyway... The guy rushes to the hospital where his girlfriend is, and immediately...starts bitching her out. Not, "Are you okay?" Not, "What happened?" Just immediately lays into her. She has to shout him down and inform him that he's in the CANCER WARD, not the detox wing. Turns out those "track marks" he's accused her of having on her arms are actually from IV chemotherapy. Why didn't she tell him? She "didn't want to burden (him)". Of course, he runs out on her. Later a strange woman pays a visit to her hospital room...and she's pronounced "dead". There is a graveside memorial for her, and the previously "devoted" boyfriend holes up in his apartment and "grieves"...looks like a bender to me. His friends from Narcotics Anonymous decide he simply must get out of the house...so they take him to a BAR. What the hell????? Of course it's a plot device so that they can go to a Goth bar where his previously "dead" girlfriend is now shaking it for living clientele as a nosferatu go-go girl. The boyfriend flips out, gets nosy, gets caught, gets turned....blah blah blah...I ejected the disc at this point. Between the nonsensical plot and the bullshit logic of the characters, I couldn't take it anymore. But then, a DVD arrived in the mail from Blockbuster Online... "Bloodsucking Redneck Vampires".  Sounds geniunely stupid, right? It is. But have you ever heard that phrase "crazy like a fox"? This flick is "stupid like a fox". Let me explain...
A Nosferatu chick (wearing some of the Spring '99 girls line from Hot Topic) and her redneck Renfield are caught with a newly-drained stiff and need to am-scray. They hitch a ride with a friendly, if a little chatty, redneck in his pickup. She's still feeling a little grumbly in her tummy, so she drains him, too. She leaves the truck driver alive, so that he can go out and create an army of the undead for her to rule the world with. However she's unaware of the fact that the town she's chosen to populate with vampyr is dumber than a bag of hair. The running joke is that they are all unaware that they are vampires, and they end up killing themselves, albeit accidentally. One redneck vampire kills himself by sinking into a hot bath and accidentally blessing the water by saying, "God bless this good hot water". Another nosferatu kills herself in a tanning bed--you know, UV rays? Still another buys it when a 400 pound woman in leopard panties sits on his head and crushes it after a game of strip poker...well, that might kill anyone, alive or dead! Other gags abound, too. The church the guy in the tub is in is called "St. Festus of the Tipsy," a "Gunsmoke" reference to the town drunk on that show. There is a family called the Pissers. After the town whore buys is in the tanning bed, some of her naysayers tally up their pool as to how her dumb ass would die: the other guesses were "hit by a truck" and "venereal disease". The lucky winner, the tanning salon owner, won $40, btw. It all comes to a head at a town event, not coincidentally held in a bar that also houses about a 1/3 of the action. I don't want to give away the ending, but I will tell you, if you are in the mood for a good laugh while checking out your horror flick, and you don't mind low (and I do mean LOW!) budget horror flicks, you owe it to yourself to check out "Bloodsucking Redneck Vampires". Sorry I took so long to write again in this blog (DOES ANYONE ACTUALLY FUCKING READ THIS? IT'S WHAT THE EMAIL LINK IS FOR!!!!! ...lol), but more reviews are forthcoming. Ciao for now...
Posted by spankavision
at 12:28 AM EDT
Monday, 13 March 2006
The Lazy Critic is back on the job, sort of...
Mood:
lazy
Now Playing: Shadow of the Vampire,
Topic: A Few Reviews
I was a little embarrassed that I hadn't been watching my vampire flicks lately. Flu or no flu, I had fallen down on the job. Not only that, but I had let the incubus of reality television take over my viewing habits. I won't ever give up on reality shows completely, but I have a mission in life: to keep you, the viewer, from making horrible video choices...so here we go...
Shadow of the Vampire, starring John "How fucking creepy am I?" Malkovich and Willem "Smarmiest Son-of-a-Bitch Ever" Dafoe. It's all about the making of the 1922 version of the vampire flick, Nosferatu. The fantasy here is that Malkovich's character has actually hired a real vampire to fill Count Orlock's shoes. It's a devil's bargain, with Malkovich continuing to film through murder and mayhem. It's a period piece, taking place in 1920's Germany and Romania, and has all of the decadence of the Roaring 20's mingled with the ancient hovels of the low countries in Eastern Europe. You'll love it if you're a big fan of Nosferatu, or of 20's period pieces.
You'll also love it if you're a fan of watching people take morphine and roll around on their beds with titties flopping and head spinning. Apparently, morphine was a popular drug in the 20's for the serious actress. Not for the kiddies.
Best line in the movie:
Murnau (Malkovich's character): "Why him, you monster?" (Referring to the cameraman, who Schreck just killed) "Why not...the script girl???"
Schreck: "The script girl?" (chuckles) "I'll eat her later..."
Another recent (re-)watch is a special from Bravo, "Creature Features," which aired last October. It was in sections, and the section I kept, "The Dead," was a study of death and the dead in cinema. This, of course, includes vampires. However, they are only paid a little lip service, as the special focuses on the dead in general.
I watched this one while waiting to wake my werewolf pet...er, Tim... for work one evening. (YES, the fiance is a night creature...) It's meant to give you the willies, from the jarring, squeaky clarinet music in the soundtrack to the images of the dead, the dying, and the undead. It included scenes from "Angel Heart", "What Dreams May Come", "Interview with the Vampire", "Nosferatu", and "Death Becomes Her". It's an okay way to kill an hour of your time, but if you're looking for vampires, you're better off watching something else. Grand total of vampire time: barely five minutes.
I'm discovering that I have missed quite a bit of programming. For instance, I was looking for television schedules on VH1, only to find that they'd had a program called "American Vampires," not to be confused with the allegedly-Carmen-Electra B-movie, which chronicled "real" vampires living in America. According to VH1.com, it's supposed to be about three particular people who have consented to allow VH1 to follow them for a couple of days, to see what they do when they're vampires, away from work. Though I have several news specials and TV documentaries on "real" vampires, as well as tons of books on the subject, it would have been interesting to see.
Speaking of news and real vampires...
MSNBC recently ran the story of the 1996 slayings of Ruth and Rick Wendorf of Eustis, Florida on its "Dark Heart, Iron Hand" series. Though I do not condone violence or murder, nor do I believe in doing so to "prove" your loyalty to a "vampire" (kids these days...), I believe I would have been remiss not to have included this in the reviews.
It must be mentioned that Rod Ferrell gets no screen time beyond his testimony in court, and his testimony to the police, both videotaped. Members of his "clan," Charity Kessee and Dana Cooper, both give interviews to MSNBC, as well as Heather Wendorf, the daughter of the murdered couple.
 It also must be said that Heather Wendorf, who was only fifteen at the time of her parents' murders, gets amazing face time in this news special, considering how she got raked over the coals in the media, including a CourtTV special, "The Investigators: Dark Shadows". Heather had forced to face the grand jury twice, for them to decide whether she should stand trial as an accessory to murder. Both times, the grand jury found no evidence to support any prosecution. Yet, Rod Ferrell, as well as a detective who interviewed Heather Wendorf, says she should have stood trial too.
Now, this wouldn't have even been as sensational a story without the vampire angle. What started as a strange kid making trouble in Murray, Kentucky became a troubled teenager who found an identity in vampires, partially because he was a player of "Vampire: the Masquerade." The only problem was, Ferrell took it seriously, and it went from playing a RPG on Friday nights in a rec room somewhere to actually opening veins. In the special, a former member of Rod's clan walked the news crew around the woods where they used to meet and hang out, and to a "Vampire Hotel", which was a disused concrete building in those woods. (Note: the kid they interviewed who took the news crew around Rod's old haunts seems a little too anxious to seem in the loop of all of this. It does become annoying after a few minutes. If you see this broadcast, don't say I didn't warn you.)
All in all, I believe that MSNBC gave all the facts in as balanced a way as they could. It definitely makes Heather Wendorf look a little off-kilter, especially as she shows off her weird artwork and talks endlessly about her loneliness. I certainly could have done without true (?) crime author Aphrodite Jones sticking her nose in, as her only qualification is writing the book, "The Embrace: A True Vampire Story" about the murders. (She's also the half-wit who wrote the book about Teena Brandon, "All She Wanted," another sensationalistic piece of trash.) It does feel as though the viewer only gets half of the story, without interviewing Rod Ferrell, though his alleged penchant for lying might have mucked things up further.
Which leads me to...
"Vampire Clan," an independent movie allegedly told from the killers' point of view, follows the news reports and the crime blotters to re-enact the story of the Wendorf murders. The acting is stale, and if you have heard about the actual murders, you don't need this movie. The only thing that is an improvement is that the actors are prettier than the actual people involved. For instance "Charmed" actor Drew Fuller (pictured right) plays Rod Ferrell in the movie. Fuller makes you wonder why anyone followed the actual Rod Ferrell. A little trivia: Mimi Craven, ex-wife of Wes Craven, plays Ruth Wendorf. But, unless you don't already know about the murders, it's best to leave this straight-to-video, true-crime flick alone. It might be in the horror section of your video store, but two-to-one, it'll end up on Lifetime or CourtTV...eventually...
Posted by spankavision
at 6:40 PM EST
Updated: Sunday, 3 June 2007 11:24 PM EDT
Monday, 30 January 2006
Sorry I was gone so long...lots to talk about!
Mood:
lazy
Now Playing: A Few New Buys and A couple of New Flicks in Theaters
Topic: A Few Reviews
I've been a little sick and busy with the new semester and haven't had a chance to update this thing...does anyone actually read this?...but I have a few new things and I just wanted to share them with you.
 I happened upon a lucky find at the local pawn shop, a VHS copy of "Vampire High" for ONE DOLLAR!!! It was well worth the wait, too. Although it was the condensed TV movie based on the series, it was pretty interesting and it went above the normal "90210 in Transylvania" descriptions that I have seen on a lot of ratings systems online.
I found the lead vampire kid, Drew (Jeff Roop), to be a real catch. He dressed a little like a nobleman thrust through time and having to adjust his wardrobe accordingly, but he was a perfect bad boy. (See black and white photo below.)
The dialogue was a little stilted and stagy, but you honestly don't know the ages of the other vampire students except for Karl (Paul Hopkins), who was killed at eighteen and goes back for the "chill" (revisits his grave) on the anniversary of his death. Maybe all but Karl are quite ancient. 
(FYI: Hopkins was a guest star on a couple of episodes of "Big Wolf on Campus," another Canadian supernatural series. He also made appearances on "Are You Afraid of the Dark?" a TV movie about "The Legend of Sleepy Hollow" and Showtime's series, "The Hunger," so apparently spooky is what Paul Hopkins does.) (See photo at right.)
All in all, it was well worth the nominal price I paid for it.
I also ran across a copy of "Dracula, The Series" on DVD. My first bad omen was when my DVD player flatly refused to play it. The second bad omen was that my fiance's PS2 wouldn't let it off of the menu board. The third strike is when I was finally able to get it to play on the PS2 and I wasn't interested in the content. Back to the pawn shop it went.
Let's see...
Timothy, my fiance, brought me a DVD from a Wal-Mart dollar bin of "American Vampire," the widely reviled, alleged Carmen Electra vehicle. As it turns out, CE barely makes an appearance, except for the cover art, and the rest is some after-school special-type movie that kids in middle school nowadays would probably laugh their asses off at. Still, it was a sweet gesture on his part, the equivalent in most relationships of a man picking wildflowers and giving them to his girlfriend.
I also caught the SciFi Channel's presentation of "Dark Prince: The True Story of Dracula".
Rudolf Martin plays Vlad the Impaler and it is beginning to look as though poor Rudolf is going to get stuck playing vampire games-- getting typecast as bad guys and blood suckers-- he doesn't watch it: he's already played Dracula once on "Buffy the Vampire Slayer". (Food for thought: He also played Sarah Michelle Gellar's hubby, Anton, on "All My Children," before La Lucci had her kicked off, post Emmy.) 
For those who haven't seen it, forget the fangs and the tuxedos: it's all about the actual, historical ruler of Romania, not the Bela Lugosi version. The only blood-drinking isn't so much drunk as eaten, when Martin sops up blood from his impaled enemies with bread, as he takes his lunch near their impaled bodies. Jane March plays Dracula's wife, Lidia, with dewy innocence. Another person who may be typecast in vampire movies is supporting player, The Who's Roger Daltrey as King Janos of Hungary. He's also played in "Vampirella", as Vlad or Jamie Blood. It was an interesting flick, and as true as you're going to get to a historical account as you're bound to get from a movie produced for the USA Network (aka, NBC). Watch it for a history lesson and a "Where's Waldo?" spotting of famous people. If you're looking to be spooked, look elsewhere. (Here's a freebie: Michael "Stone Cates" Sutton from "General Hospital" plays Vlad's "punked-out" >[...and I don't mean Ashton Kutcher or a mohawk...] brother, Radu.) But for an actual scare, keep looking.
Let's go to the theater, shall we?
"Underworld: Evolution" came out last week and all I can say about that is: so? I didn't like the first one and I am not all that interested in the sequel. Some people are recommending it to me, but it's been all over AMC and MTV, with specials and "behind the scenes" shows. AMC actually suckered me in with a quite interesting documentary about "real life" vampires and werewolves, "Fang vs. Fiction," only to discover it was a promotional tool for "Underworld: Evolution". The only news about it that seems to separate it from the original is that Selene is now immune to sunlight and that she gets it on with Michael. Add to that the hoopla in the media of Kate Beckinsale's husband--Len Wiseman, the film's director-- being on-set for the big nude scene between Beckinsale and Scott Speedman, and playing Berlin's "Take my Breath Away" from the "Top Gun" soundtrack to crack them up. Whoop-de-doo.
Considering how quickly the star-studded "Bloodrayne" crashed and burned at the box office last month, I'm beginning to get the feeling that a lot of us are waiting for "Blood and Gold," Anne Rice's rumored next filmed novel.
Anything's gotta be better than this.
P.S. I ended up ONCE AGAIN! re-buying "Dracula 2000", as well as picking up a copy of "Modern Vampires. Haven't looked at "Modern Vampires" yet; will review it when the mood strikes to watch it.
Posted by spankavision
at 6:30 PM EST
Updated: Monday, 13 March 2006 8:13 PM EST
Friday, 16 September 2005
Just a few to start...
Mood:
 not sure
Topic: A Few Reviews
House of Dark Shadows- **A feature version of the 60's and 70's soap opera about a 18th century vampire, Barnabas Collins. In the soap, he's initially after a waitress named Maggie Evans, then switches to a nanny named Victoria Winters. In the movie, he starts with a distantly related cousin and ends with a family friend. It was made in the 70's, so it has a gritty feel to it, but the movie is otherwise pretty close to the soap. If you haven't seen "Dark Shadows," some of the plot points may be lost on you, but it's still good to kill an hour and a half. (Starring Jonathan Frid, Grayson Hall, and Joan Bennett. Directed by Dan Curtis, 1970, for MGM Studios)
 Andy Warhol's "Dracula"- *** Andy Warhol was known as an artist who churned out interpretations of established icons. So I guess it's not a big surprise that he got hold of the Bram Stoker book and rearranged it to serve his own impressions. He moves the whole thing to Italy, where the Count (Udo Kier) is riding in a car from town to town looking for a virginal bride with his casket on top of his car. Stopping in a village, he is directed to a villa where three sisters stay with their mother in the countryside.
Once there, the Count discovers the estate is in near-ruins and that the girls are looking to marry to improve their station. The mother offers one of the daughters, but Dracula soon discovers that the girl and one of the other sisters has been doing more than weeding the garden with the groundskeeper. (Dracula figures it out when he vomits the "virginal" blood.) Drac's last chance is the youngest daughter, but the groundskeeper is onto him and manages to deflower the final girl just in the nick of time.
It is what it is, a Warhol movie, but it's actually pretty good. Just do yourself a favor and put the Bram Stoker book out of your mind if you wish to enjoy the film. (Starring Udo Kier and Joe Dallesandro. Directed in 1974 by Paul Morrissey and Antonio Margheriti for Compagnia Cinematografica Champion .)
 The Breed- *** If you loved the book "1984" by George Orwell and are a vampire fan, this may be for you.
A two cops(one vampire, one human) are put together on a case in an undefined future that resembles Nazi-era Germany. They are investigating the murders of humans that are apparently committed by a vampiric suspect. What they find is a conspiracy to create a Vampire Master Race.
It's actually good and atmospheric, due to the European locations and the unorthodox casting of the TV "Highlander", Adrian Paul, as the vampire detective opposite Bokeem Woodbine as the human cop. There's also a great love scene (and subsequent romantic subplot) between Woodbine and Bai Ling. (Starring Adrian Paul, Bokeem Woodbine and Bai Ling. Directed by Michael Oblowitz in 2001 for Motion Picture Corporation of America)
Note: the DVD does some strange things on certain Special Features and may have to be removed from your player in order to stop the DVD.
Posted by spankavision
at 8:56 AM EDT
Updated: Monday, 13 March 2006 8:28 PM EST
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