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Thursday, 23 March 2006
Ultraviolet!!! (Includes spoilers)
Mood:
 caffeinated
Now Playing: Ultraviolet, starring Milla Jovovich and Cameron Bright
I walked in expecting not to like this movie. The critics endlessly bagged on this movie for not screening it for critics and dismissed it as the latest in a series of Milla Jovovich girl-action movies, and it is. However, while watching it in the theater last night, I came up with an equation for the flick. It is as follows:
Take the plot of "Kill Bill," volumes one and two (Kick ass girl who just wants a normal life loses her husband and unborn baby and makes her life in seeking revenge for the injustice, using her sword and martial arts.)
minus Uma Thurman + Milla Jovovich
Add Blade (vampire who takes medicine to control the cravings and fights injustice)
minus fighting vampires + fighting humans trying to kill all vampires
Add the visuals from The Matrix (The very sterile, super futuristic environment and heavy CGI effects of bullets and martial arts moves defying gravity are very Matrix-like)
minus the element of fighting the future by living as hermits + a virus separating the "hemophages" (vampires) from the humans.
Add in elements of Nazi Germany (The show centers around the fact that humans have tried to eradicate the hemophages by placing them in camps and trying experiments on them. The heavy symbolism of crosses everywhere mirrors the swastikas that seemed to be everywhere in the Nazi era.)
Minus the Jews + the vampires
There, you have most of the movie.
Okay, in layman's terms: Violet (Milla Jovovich) is a renegade "hemophage" (vampire) who is in a future in which the hemophages are considered contagious and dangerous to a very germ-phobic society (they run around in little surgical masks and wear latex gloves). The movie opens with her posing as a courier sent to pick up a package. She manages to get through all the various biological tests in a huge building, only to get stuck when the doctor she's picking the package up from asks her if she's operational. Of course, she has no idea what it means, and the alarms go off. She fights her way out, only to stop to vomit. She jabs a syringe in her leg and keeps going.
She takes the package back to her hemophage headquarters, and though she was told not to open it, she does while bored in an elevator. It contains a child. As she was made to abort her child after contraction of the vampire virus, she feels maternal and goes on the run with the child.
The whole thing is strange to me because she instantly falls in love with this child (played by super-creepy "Godsend" kid Cameron Bright), yet endangers it to find out what virus it might have. Also, no matter how many people are attacking her (from "Star Wars-" type storm troopers to Yakuza-type fellow vampires), she managed to kill them all. At one point, she seemed to kill a hundred troops in about 15 seconds. Unreal...
But it is unreal; it's supposed to be. Don't let your ideas of what a vampire movie keep you from it. It was refreshing to avoid the cliches (well, maybe not entirely...) and just see something different.
Take my word: give it a chance.
Posted by spankavision
at 9:02 AM EST
Updated: Sunday, 3 June 2007 11:16 PM EDT
Wednesday, 22 March 2006
New Link in Old Haunts
Mood:
 chillin'
Now Playing: OldHaunts.blogspot.com
I was reading the March issue of Rue Morgue magazine and as always, I went to the standard features first. In each issue of the magazine, they put all the new listings for new and noticable internet sites, and one, Old Haunts, caught my eye. By the description, it seemed like a haunted house site. However, it was actually a romp down memory lane.
Imagine seeing old ads from Halloweens past, as in 1970's and before, or seeing submitted family photos from others' trick or treats. Imagine finding pictures of toys from the good ol' days. That's what you're gonna find here. I highly recommend it. Tell 'em AtlanticVamp sent you!
Posted by spankavision
at 9:38 AM EST
Updated: Sunday, 3 June 2007 11:18 PM EDT
Wednesday, 15 March 2006
TABOO!!!!!
Mood:
 spacey
Now Playing: Black Eyed Peas harbor a vampy Taboo
Topic: You should be a vampire!
 Come on, be honest: Taboo from Black Eyed Peas really could be a vampire. He's a very pretty, but very strange cat.
He barely raps in the damn group, yet there he is. He dressed oddly, usually in black and red...not that there's anything wrong with that. (I do it all the time...dressed that way now, actually...) But for real, look at the picture below. Pale as hell (PALER THAN ME!!!!!!)">, and dressed like a damn gyspy. Hmmm...think Fergie's his bride?
Posted by spankavision
at 2:02 PM EST
Updated: Sunday, 3 June 2007 11:19 PM EDT
Fall Out Boy gets all vampy!
Mood:
 happy
Now Playing: MTV debuts Fall Out Boy's
A couple of nights ago, I was flipping through channels and noticed that MTV was showing "Making the Video". I like the show, so I settled in. I haven't really been keeping up with the latest stuff in music, but I had heard on Fall Out Boy. Then I noticed that their lead singer had a set of fangs in his mouth. WTF???
Apparently, the director had imagined the video as a sort of cross between "Blade" and the early 80's cult hit, "The Warriors" ("Warriors....come out to play-yay!"). It's a kind of vampire rock opera, complete with "Warriors-" style gangs of vampires, including the "Dandies," who sadly look like a pack of Jack Whites (The White Stripes), in his derby-and-suit-wearing days. (See right.)
Apparently it goes like this: Their guitar player has been turned into a vampire as revenge for the band's vampire slaying. They deal with him, including letting him sleep in a metal coffin and watching him drink blood substitute. He still helps slay vampires, and has powers to fly. He isn't happy with his situation, but works it out by playing with the band (which includes funny visuals of him bouncing off the walls and ceiling of their practice space).
In the end, the band is involved in a gang war with the Dandies, the punks, the hip hop vampires and the police arrive to cart everyone away. In what appears to be the lead-in to a sequel (or a trilogy?), the guitarist is being driven away in a police car while his bandmates are also being arrested. He notices that the leader of the Dandies is talking and joking with the police. A set-up...
An interesting idea for a video, and the "Making the Video" special is now part of my collection...check it out when you get a chance.
Posted by spankavision
at 12:40 PM EST
Updated: Sunday, 3 June 2007 11:20 PM EDT
Monday, 13 March 2006
The Lazy Critic is back on the job, sort of...
Mood:
 lazy
Now Playing: Shadow of the Vampire,
Topic: A Few Reviews
I was a little embarrassed that I hadn't been watching my vampire flicks lately. Flu or no flu, I had fallen down on the job. Not only that, but I had let the incubus of reality television take over my viewing habits. I won't ever give up on reality shows completely, but I have a mission in life: to keep you, the viewer, from making horrible video choices...so here we go...
Shadow of the Vampire, starring John "How fucking creepy am I?" Malkovich and Willem "Smarmiest Son-of-a-Bitch Ever" Dafoe. It's all about the making of the 1922 version of the vampire flick, Nosferatu. The fantasy here is that Malkovich's character has actually hired a real vampire to fill Count Orlock's shoes. It's a devil's bargain, with Malkovich continuing to film through murder and mayhem. It's a period piece, taking place in 1920's Germany and Romania, and has all of the decadence of the Roaring 20's mingled with the ancient hovels of the low countries in Eastern Europe. You'll love it if you're a big fan of Nosferatu, or of 20's period pieces.
You'll also love it if you're a fan of watching people take morphine and roll around on their beds with titties flopping and head spinning. Apparently, morphine was a popular drug in the 20's for the serious actress. Not for the kiddies.
Best line in the movie:
Murnau (Malkovich's character): "Why him, you monster?" (Referring to the cameraman, who Schreck just killed) "Why not...the script girl???"
Schreck: "The script girl?" (chuckles) "I'll eat her later..."
Another recent (re-)watch is a special from Bravo, "Creature Features," which aired last October. It was in sections, and the section I kept, "The Dead," was a study of death and the dead in cinema. This, of course, includes vampires. However, they are only paid a little lip service, as the special focuses on the dead in general.
I watched this one while waiting to wake my werewolf pet...er, Tim... for work one evening. (YES, the fiance is a night creature...) It's meant to give you the willies, from the jarring, squeaky clarinet music in the soundtrack to the images of the dead, the dying, and the undead. It included scenes from "Angel Heart", "What Dreams May Come", "Interview with the Vampire", "Nosferatu", and "Death Becomes Her". It's an okay way to kill an hour of your time, but if you're looking for vampires, you're better off watching something else. Grand total of vampire time: barely five minutes.
I'm discovering that I have missed quite a bit of programming. For instance, I was looking for television schedules on VH1, only to find that they'd had a program called "American Vampires," not to be confused with the allegedly-Carmen-Electra B-movie, which chronicled "real" vampires living in America. According to VH1.com, it's supposed to be about three particular people who have consented to allow VH1 to follow them for a couple of days, to see what they do when they're vampires, away from work. Though I have several news specials and TV documentaries on "real" vampires, as well as tons of books on the subject, it would have been interesting to see.
Speaking of news and real vampires...
MSNBC recently ran the story of the 1996 slayings of Ruth and Rick Wendorf of Eustis, Florida on its "Dark Heart, Iron Hand" series. Though I do not condone violence or murder, nor do I believe in doing so to "prove" your loyalty to a "vampire" (kids these days...), I believe I would have been remiss not to have included this in the reviews.
It must be mentioned that Rod Ferrell gets no screen time beyond his testimony in court, and his testimony to the police, both videotaped. Members of his "clan," Charity Kessee and Dana Cooper, both give interviews to MSNBC, as well as Heather Wendorf, the daughter of the murdered couple.
 It also must be said that Heather Wendorf, who was only fifteen at the time of her parents' murders, gets amazing face time in this news special, considering how she got raked over the coals in the media, including a CourtTV special, "The Investigators: Dark Shadows". Heather had forced to face the grand jury twice, for them to decide whether she should stand trial as an accessory to murder. Both times, the grand jury found no evidence to support any prosecution. Yet, Rod Ferrell, as well as a detective who interviewed Heather Wendorf, says she should have stood trial too.
Now, this wouldn't have even been as sensational a story without the vampire angle. What started as a strange kid making trouble in Murray, Kentucky became a troubled teenager who found an identity in vampires, partially because he was a player of "Vampire: the Masquerade." The only problem was, Ferrell took it seriously, and it went from playing a RPG on Friday nights in a rec room somewhere to actually opening veins. In the special, a former member of Rod's clan walked the news crew around the woods where they used to meet and hang out, and to a "Vampire Hotel", which was a disused concrete building in those woods. (Note: the kid they interviewed who took the news crew around Rod's old haunts seems a little too anxious to seem in the loop of all of this. It does become annoying after a few minutes. If you see this broadcast, don't say I didn't warn you.)
All in all, I believe that MSNBC gave all the facts in as balanced a way as they could. It definitely makes Heather Wendorf look a little off-kilter, especially as she shows off her weird artwork and talks endlessly about her loneliness. I certainly could have done without true (?) crime author Aphrodite Jones sticking her nose in, as her only qualification is writing the book, "The Embrace: A True Vampire Story" about the murders. (She's also the half-wit who wrote the book about Teena Brandon, "All She Wanted," another sensationalistic piece of trash.) It does feel as though the viewer only gets half of the story, without interviewing Rod Ferrell, though his alleged penchant for lying might have mucked things up further.
Which leads me to...
"Vampire Clan," an independent movie allegedly told from the killers' point of view, follows the news reports and the crime blotters to re-enact the story of the Wendorf murders. The acting is stale, and if you have heard about the actual murders, you don't need this movie. The only thing that is an improvement is that the actors are prettier than the actual people involved. For instance "Charmed" actor Drew Fuller (pictured right) plays Rod Ferrell in the movie. Fuller makes you wonder why anyone followed the actual Rod Ferrell. A little trivia: Mimi Craven, ex-wife of Wes Craven, plays Ruth Wendorf. But, unless you don't already know about the murders, it's best to leave this straight-to-video, true-crime flick alone. It might be in the horror section of your video store, but two-to-one, it'll end up on Lifetime or CourtTV...eventually...
Posted by spankavision
at 6:40 PM EST
Updated: Sunday, 3 June 2007 11:24 PM EDT
What a shitty movie....
Mood:
chillin'
Now Playing: Modern Vampires (1999)
 The box art looked cool. The storyline, about a vampire going up against Count Dracula to make changes in how vampires exist in the world, seemed intriguing. Then, I put it on to watch.
It begins with a hooker, strolling the streets, looking for a trick. She finds an average-looking guy, in an average-looking car and decides to get into the car. She just looks straight ahead. The guy asks her why she didn't ask his name, and isn't she worried that he might be a cop. She sprouts fangs and says it doesn't matter. In spite of all of this, the guy doesn't get scared. In fact, all he says is that a condom is definitely in order. Then she jumps on him and drains him.
Meanwhile, a couple of guys bearing weapons come on the scene and try to catch her. She evades them handily and moves on. Huh?
This is just part of it.
Somehow, Samantha Jones from Sex and the City gets into the act. Only, now she has some odd Eastern European name and a really bad Bela Lugosi accent. However, she's still slutty and throws herself at men like they're the last lifeboat on the Titanic. At a museum, she hooks up with a dumpy dude who she trades insults with. Back in her apartment, it looks like she's about to do him, when Casper Van Dien shows up. She still acts like she wants to do the dumpy guy, then she eats him.
Meanwhile, there's an even-dumpier Van Helsing waiting at a hotel desk to get to Dracula, only the desk clerk will not tell him the room number...oh, who am I kidding, writing this review? I'll never get that time back, nor the money from buying the piece of shit. (Admittedly, it was only a dollar because it was in a VHS bin at a pawn shop, but still...)
Take my word for it, folks: Despite the "Matrix"/"Blade-" style cover art, it is neither. It's a really bad parody and they should have just said so to begin with, rather than trying to make it into something it's not.
Posted by spankavision
at 11:15 AM EST
Updated: Sunday, 3 June 2007 11:26 PM EDT
Thursday, 23 February 2006
Boy, that didn't take long!
Mood:
lazy
Now Playing: Just finished the Commercials and Ads page!
It's done!!!!!! The above .gif photo is from a Duracell ad. Hope you enjoy it!
Posted by spankavision
at 7:30 PM EST
Wednesday, 22 February 2006
Commercials!
Mood:
 hungry
Now Playing: Working on a new commercials page for Spankavision
It would be remiss of me to have a "complete" vampire entertainment site and then not include commercials and print ads. I've been doing a little research and found that a couple of people have already beaten me to the punch on this subject:
Vampire Ads by Krieger69
This is a really well done site, though there's not a lot of ads on it. I have also been going to www.x-entertainment.com/, and this guy is completely in love with Halloween, and pop culture in general. Some things are harder to find than others, though. I have been looking in daylight with a flashlight for a few:
* The Ritz Garlic Butter ad (Krieger69 has a still from it, but not the commercial)
* Reese's Peanut Butter Cup "How do you eat your Reese's?" ad, in which a vampire's fang marks appear in the cups.
* Coca-Cola vampire ad, which I've never seen, but again, on Krieger69, there's a still photo.
Some vendors are more than generous, such as Sketchers. They have all of their recent print ads on their website, so the vampire girl attacking the guy for his Sketchers sneakers has already been located. (My fiance gave me a copy of it, too.) See below.
Wish me luck. (*Does anyone actually look at this damn blog????)
Posted by spankavision
at 2:55 PM EST
Updated: Sunday, 3 June 2007 11:28 PM EDT
Tuesday, 21 February 2006
Mood:
 mischievious
Now Playing: M*A*S*H*-
I used to love M*A*S*H* and still try to catch the pre-1976, pre-Winchester, pre-B.J. Hunnicut, post-Radar episodes. (After they kill Henry Blake and ship out Trapper McIntyre, Frank Burns, and Radar O'Reilly, it becomes a preachy mess.) But, when I began Spankavision, I was not looking for vampire episodes in M*A*S*H*. It was only after I was looking at a couple of old videos on a cold day that I viewed a little vampire-laced gem called "Germ Warfare".
Hawkeye and Trapper are treating a North Korean P.O.W. (prisoner of war, for the idiots that might stumble 'cross this blog...)who is recuperating from surgery. Frank Burns thinks that the P.O.W. can survive (key word here: survive, as opposed to actually do well) on a prisoner transport to a P.O.W. hospital. Hawkeye objects, telling Frank that the P.O.W. is not going anywhere. Hawkeye is Chief Surgeon and a Captain, but Frank, a major, outranks him. So, Hawkeye goes to Colonel Blake, who vetoes the idea until Hawkeye volunteers his own cot for the prisoner, which leads to a funny little tidbit between Hawkeye and Frank:
Frank- "Isn't that the P.O.W.?"
Hawkeye- "Yes, he's in my C.O.T."
The P.O.W., who we learn is named Pi, requires more blood to recuperate, but is type B-. They are running low on that type, and have promised not to take anything for Pi that would take away from American casualties. Radar brings in a list of blood types for the entire camp, just as Frank comes in and enquires about Pi. Hawkeye and Trapper see that Frank's just the right type and plan to drain a pint from Frank.
During their little "trip to Transylvania," Hawkeye and Trapper make tons of vampire movie jokes. "In the morning, he will be one of my brides!" kids Hawkeye. "Not so loudly, my Count," replies Trapper.
They also comment that Frank can sleep through anything, joking that he gets plenty of practice while he's awake. They give the blood to Pi.
The next day, after Hawkeye gets shot down by the 70's-standard, shampoo model-type, beautiful Lt. Dish, Trapper relates to Hawkeye that Pi is having trouble keeping food down, is showing signs of jaundice and has a darkened stool. These are signs of hepatitis, and though the chances that Pi came in with the disease are high, they decide to see if they can get Frank discharged and try to test Frank. They still have a blood sample, but decide to back it up with a urine sample, which they obtain by getting lightweight Frank to sample some beers and then force him to pee in a bucket by boarding up the Officer's Latrine. They send the samples off to Seoul.
(Just an aside here, but in the 50's, where this whole series is supposed to be set, Hawkeye and Trapper seem to go through a lot of time and trouble for two allegedly brilliant surgeons to try and eliminate their nemesis, Frank. Not only that, but they ought to know that hepatitis doesn't develop in the matter of a day or two, a fact which they acknowledge in the episode. Finally, they seem to proceed anyway, in spite of the fact that they always seem to have the upper hand over Frank, regardless of the military justice he tries to give them. Why all of the convuluted stunts?)
Meanwhile, they have a couple of hours to try and keep Frank away from patients until they get results back. That's when Hawkeye and Trapper realize it's not just the patients, but Major "Hot Lips" Houlihan that they have to protect. Radar sends Frank to Henry's office, while Hawkeye sends Hot Lips to Post-Op.
They can't manage forever, however, and Frank is being scrubbed up by Hot Lips in Pre-Op. They tell Frank that he can't operate, explaining all the stuff (except the urine specimen) that they did, and Frank tries to go ahead. They handcuff Frank and Hot Lips together, and tie them up in a surgical gown. Radar shows up in the nick of time, with the results: Frank doesn't have hepatitis, but is anemic. Hawkeye jokes that Frank shouldn't have donated blood without properly preparing, calling him "selfless." Frank seems confused but pleased.
The end shows Hawkeye and Trapper checking up on Pi and Frank, who's now recuperating from anemia. Frank and Pi are, ironically, playing checkers. (Frank was a notorious bigot on the show; why's he "fraternizing with the enemy"?) Hawkeye presents Frank with a handful of daisies, then jokes that he's experimenting with a heart transplant and Frank's just the right type. Frank throws the daisies at Hawkeye; freeze frame. End scene.
I know, I know; this teeters just on the bubble of what is really a vampire "one-off", but it was appropriate, strictly speaking. They DID drain blood from Frank, in the middle of the night, using dialogue from vampire movies. They DID use the blood to prolong someone else's life. They did do all of this without the victim's...er, donor's...permission, much like any standard vampire movie. So, to me, it qualifies.
I know, it's not really a vampire episode. But, I count it. It's my site, y'know...
Posted by spankavision
at 12:24 PM EST
Updated: Sunday, 3 June 2007 11:30 PM EDT
Wednesday, 15 February 2006
A little Off-Topic, but I love Prince! 0(+>
Mood:
chillin'
Now Playing: Prince-
Topic: Prince, cool as any vamp
Black Sweat video
The above link is to the Purple Dawn website, and it has the new "Black Sweat" video, which I am absolutely MAD for. "Cooler than Freddie Jackson drinking a milkshake," as OutKast said in "So Fresh, So Clean", and 1000X sexier.  It's funny to see him smile, as poker-faced as he was for so long (except for the "Kiss" video), but he looks so beautiful. It's no wonder he's hit skins with some of the most beautiful women in the world: Carmen Electra, Kim Basinger, Mayte Garcia, Sheena Easton, and probably more that were better at keeping a secret...
Jesus, this man is sooo hot...Is it just me, or does he look younger than he did in 1984, when "Purple Rain" came out? You know, I have a VERY short list of singers who should act, and normally Prince is NOT on it (I loved him in "Purple Rain," but the rest...but I LOVE TO HEAR HIM SING). However, if there was a vampire movie in which he could be--and he doesn't even have to flash a fang--
hell, he doesn't even have to ACT, just allow someone to film him walking through a dark alley...
He has proven he doesn't age very much, the body is still in great shape, and he's limber as all hell, so why not him? Sure as hell would top some folks trying to pass themselves off as the immortal undead...
But the video...black and white, with many close-ups of his face, and a beautiful black lady dancing in different outfits: pvc catsuit, and a sequinned dress. She's freak-dancing him, all while he's just chillin' in a shiny suit. He's alternately getting hot 'n bothered, drinking from a tea cup, flirting with the camera, and singing. A lady DJ pops in once to mix the music, complete with a close-up of a vinyl copy of the "3121" album on the turntable.
The song is bass-heavy, and it reminds me of "Hot Thing" and "It" from "Sign o' the Times"; it also reminds me a little of "Let's Work," but it may be the sample of someone saying the word "work" all through the song.
Final analysis: if the rest of the album is this good, I may have to go pick it up in March.
Posted by spankavision
at 1:05 PM EST
Updated: Sunday, 3 June 2007 11:35 PM EDT
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